Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
