I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
