He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
