We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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