Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
