Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
