I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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