I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
