I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
