she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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