I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
