Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
