Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
