I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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