How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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