forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Randomize
