Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
