i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
