I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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