Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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