Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
