I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
