I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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