: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Randomize
