Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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