I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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