I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
zippers are such a cool invention
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
