I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
