Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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