Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
