After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
