On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
