i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
