my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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