She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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