I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
its not stalking. its research.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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