They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
