If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
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I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
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I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.