I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
