I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
