I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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