I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Someone came in the potted fern
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
