All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
