You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
