you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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