he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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