Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
