Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We had sex on a dog bed..
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
