Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
