just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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