i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
