1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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