I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
