I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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