Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
