dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
