I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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