He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
